“We Feel Like Roommates!”: Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Marriage 

Life is full of adventure, fun, memories, and laughter when we first start dating our spouses. We spend countless hours getting to know the other person in an effort to establish a foundation for the future. A couple months/years of this intentional time together and we decide to settle down. 

A man on a knee. A popped question. A ring on the second finger from the right. 

A walk down the aisle. An exchanging of vows. A promise of a lifetime of love. 

And then some wake up 2 – 5 – 7 – 12 years later feeling lost and disconnected. 

A loss of intimacy over the years can be normal if a couple doesn’t take a proactive approach to relationship development. It becomes so easy to fall into the busyness, chaos, routine of everyday life. Of raising children. Working jobs. Of taking care of the house. Fulfilling the demands of daily life. 

But when we wake up and all the sudden we are feeling like roommates with our spouse – we are really falling victim to making daily demands our idol and the distraction of Satan. We are no longer serving the covenant of marriage through Christ. 

It is usually at this point that couples come knocking on my door. 

And unfortunately it is usually the same complaints

• We need better communication
• We fight all the time 
• Partner B emotionally cheated on Partner A
• Partner A feels like Partner B does nothing to contribute around the house
• Partner B never wants to have sex anymore 
• We just feel so disconnected 

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 

Let’s first talk about what leads to this breakdown of intimacy.

As seen from the list of complaints shared above there are a lot of things that can cause us to walk away from that love and connection we had on our wedding day. While there are many more personal and unique experiences that can be brought forward, below are some of the more common. 

1. Communication

When in conflict or when discussing hard conversations, misunderstanding and failure to gain perspective on your spouse’s opinion can lead to breakdown. Emotional distance grows when partners feel unheard or misunderstood in their feelings and observations. 

2. Time Management 

Busyness is the thief of joy. When we do not prioritize our marriage as the second most important thing in our lives we lose each other to distraction and excuse.

3. Conflicting Language 

In the whirlwind of the dating phase, we tend to compromise our needs and wants. When the regularity of life sets in, those needs and wants return. Because our spouses got to know us when we weren’t expressing those needs or when they were more willing to step out of their own character and do things they normally wouldn’t, we end up feeling starved. 

4. Resentment 

When we do not forgive our partners for the things that they do, resentment builds. We become jaded when they do not help us appropriately around the house or when they do that thing that we hate. We allow the negative feelings to seep in and overtake the love that we have for them. 

Now let’s talk about how we rebuild. 

First we have to start with knowing what practices combat the common breakdowns in intimacy. 

1. Communication 

Set aside time for personal and meaningful conversation when emotions are not high. Talk about your feelings, fears, dreams, and thoughts. Listen to only understand and not to combat. 

2. Time Management

Make date nights important. Couples should be dating each other every 7-10 days. And dates DO NOT have to cost money. Sitting on the porch, sipping a glass of wine, and sharing quality time is just as beneficial as a night out on the town. 

3. Conflicting Language  

Talk about your needs and wants with your partner. Explain what language you speak and come to a collaborative space where you both agree to speak a language in the middle that is sustainable. Explore love languages, conflict styles, and attachment styles to help articulate what some of those needs may be. Break down needs into daily needs (ex. More affection in the form of hugs, help with chores), monthly needs (ex. Date nights, more emotional conversations), omnipresent needs (ex. Transparency) 

4. Resentment 

Share your perspective and hurt with your partner – and not when you are emotional. When you have had time to process your feelings and why certain things irritate you or hurt you – share them. We cannot truly let go and move forward without processing and sharing with our partners.

Once we start focusing on counteracting our breakdown, we then have to focus on rebuilding the individual areas of intimacy. To do so we have to understand the multiple types of intimacy that make a marriage. 

• Recreational: the quality time you spend with your spouse to include hobbies and shared activities 

“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun” Ecclesiastes 9:9

• Physical: all forms of physical closeness to include sex 

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” Proverbs 5:18-19

• Intellectual: sharing ponderings and wondering of the mind 

• Spiritual: cultivating practices and sharing thoughts/understandings around shared faith 

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12

• Emotional: sharing how you feel about situations and being vulnerable in your feelings

“Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way” 1 Peter 3:7

Some examples to rebuild are: 

• Recreational
  • Identify common hobbies and interests and go experiencing them together 
  • Try new places and experiences together – force yourselves to rely on each other
  • Make date nights a regular occurrence (remember 7-10 days on average is the best practice)
  • Travel together (weekend trips every 3-4 months and 7 day vacations every 1-2 years is best practice)
• Physical
  • Show affection in public and private spaces
  • Cuddle
  • Talk about your needs and desires in the bedroom 
  • Learn your spouse and what pleases them 
  • Prioritize sex amongst the chaos
• Intellectual
  • Discuss faith based topics
  • Debate (civilly) over unshared values/beliefs 
  • Discuss opinions on things happening in the world around you 
• Spiritual 
  • Apply biblical wisdom in your marriage 
  • Pray together 
  • Worship 
  • Engage in bible study together 
• Emotional
  • Share your feelings
  • Be vulnerable 
  • Help your partner understand your perspective or things from your past that make you react a certain way
  • Listen with intention when your spouse shares with you 

With all of this in mind, you can rest assured in the faith that your marriage can feel like a deep connection again. There is faith that all the things that break us down over the years can be rebuilt again. 

And if you are newly married or dating – or even if you are on the other side of rebuilding intimacy – use this information to be more proactive about your marriage. Get ahead of the worldly things that tear us down and root your marriage for eternity. 

If you are struggling with intimacy in your marriage, turn to turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe  to our weekly blog for more news and insights.