“We Feel Like Roommates!”: Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Marriage
Life is full of adventure, fun, memories, and laughter when we first start dating our spouses. We spend countless hours getting to know the other person in an effort to establish a foundation for the future. A couple months/years of this intentional time together and we decide to settle down.
A man on a knee. A popped question. A ring on the second finger from the right.
A walk down the aisle. An exchanging of vows. A promise of a lifetime of love.
And then some wake up 2 – 5 – 7 – 12 years later feeling lost and disconnected.
A loss of intimacy over the years can be normal if a couple doesn’t take a proactive approach to relationship development. It becomes so easy to fall into the busyness, chaos, routine of everyday life. Of raising children. Working jobs. Of taking care of the house. Fulfilling the demands of daily life.
But when we wake up and all the sudden we are feeling like roommates with our spouse – we are really falling victim to making daily demands our idol and the distraction of Satan. We are no longer serving the covenant of marriage through Christ.
It is usually at this point that couples come knocking on my door.
And unfortunately it is usually the same complaints
- We need better communication
- We fight all the time
- Partner B emotionally cheated on Partner A
- Partner A feels like Partner B does nothing to contribute around the house
- Partner B never wants to have sex anymore
- We just feel so disconnected
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Let’s first talk about what leads to this breakdown of intimacy.
As seen from the list of complaints shared above there are a lot of things that can cause us to walk away from that love and connection we had on our wedding day. While there are many more personal and unique experiences that can be brought forward, below are some of the more common.
- Communication
When in conflict or when discussing hard conversations, misunderstanding and failure to gain perspective on your spouse’s opinion can lead to breakdown. Emotional distance grows when partners feel unheard or misunderstood in their feelings and observations.
- Time Management
Busyness is the thief of joy. When we do not prioritize our marriage as the second most important thing in our lives we lose each other to distraction and excuse.
- Conflicting Language
In the whirlwind of the dating phase, we tend to compromise our needs and wants. When the regularity of life sets in, those needs and wants return. Because our spouses got to know us when we weren’t expressing those needs or when they were more willing to step out of their own character and do things they normally wouldn’t, we end up feeling starved.
- Resentment
When we do not forgive our partners for the things that they do, resentment builds. We become jaded when they do not help us appropriately around the house or when they do that thing that we hate. We allow the negative feelings to seep in and overtake the love that we have for them.
Now let’s talk about how we rebuild.
First we have to start with knowing what practices combat the common breakdowns in intimacy.
- Communication
Set aside time for personal and meaningful conversation when emotions are not high. Talk about your feelings, fears, dreams, and thoughts. Listen to only understand and not to combat.
- Time Management
Make date nights important. Couples should be dating each other every 7-10 days. And dates DO NOT have to cost money. Sitting on the porch, sipping a glass of wine, and sharing quality time is just as beneficial as a night out on the town.
- Conflicting Language
Talk about your needs and wants with your partner. Explain what language you speak and come to a collaborative space where you both agree to speak a language in the middle that is sustainable. Explore love languages, conflict styles, and attachment styles to help articulate what some of those needs may be. Break down needs into daily needs (ex. More affection in the form of hugs, help with chores), monthly needs (ex. Date nights, more emotional conversations), omnipresent needs (ex. Transparency)
- Resentment
Share your perspective and hurt with your partner – and not when you are emotional. When you have had time to process your feelings and why certain things irritate you or hurt you – share them. We cannot truly let go and move forward without processing and sharing with our partners.
Once we start focusing on counteracting our breakdown, we then have to focus on rebuilding the individual areas of intimacy. To do so we have to understand the multiple types of intimacy that make a marriage.
- Recreational: the quality time you spend with your spouse to include hobbies and shared activities
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun” Ecclesiastes 9:9
- Physical: all forms of physical closeness to include sex
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” Proverbs 5:18-19
- Intellectual: sharing ponderings and wondering of the mind
- Spiritual: cultivating practices and sharing thoughts/understandings around shared faith
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
- Emotional: sharing how you feel about situations and being vulnerable in your feelings
“Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way” 1 Peter 3:7
Some examples to rebuild are:
- Recreational
- Identify common hobbies and interests and go experiencing them together
- Try new places and experiences together – force yourselves to rely on each other
- Make date nights a regular occurrence (remember 7-10 days on average is the best practice)
- Travel together (weekend trips every 3-4 months and 7 day vacations every 1-2 years is best practice)
- Physical
- Show affection in public and private spaces
- Cuddle
- Talk about your needs and desires in the bedroom
- Learn your spouse and what pleases them
- Prioritize sex amongst the chaos
- Intellectual
- Discuss faith based topics
- Debate (civilly) over unshared values/beliefs
- Discuss opinions on things happening in the world around you
- Spiritual
- Apply biblical wisdom in your marriage
- Pray together
- Worship
- Engage in bible study together
- Emotional
- Share your feelings
- Be vulnerable
- Help your partner understand your perspective or things from your past that make you react a certain way
- Listen with intention when your spouse shares with you
With all of this in mind, you can rest assured in the faith that your marriage can feel like a deep connection again. There is faith that all the things that break us down over the years can be rebuilt again.
And if you are newly married or dating – or even if you are on the other side of rebuilding intimacy – use this information to be more proactive about your marriage. Get ahead of the worldly things that tear us down and root your marriage for eternity.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your marriage, turn to turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Swiping Left: How to Weed Out the Nominal Christians
Let me be honest from the beginning – you can’t really weed out the Nominal Christians by their Hinge bio alone.
These apps are inherently meant to connect us with someone based off of initial attraction and vaguely undefined values and intentions. You see a handsome man on Bumble who states to be a conservative, Christian, day trader. These descriptors don’t actually mean he is politically conservative, a true believer, or an expert crypto buyer. It just means that when scanning a list of pre-selected options, they seemed to be the best option in conveying how he perceives himself or what his “dream” women would want in a man.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27
The ability to weed through the masses for the type of man you are looking for starts and ends with understanding the difference in heart posture. We all know how to identify a secularist – but understanding the difference between a nominal (in name) Christian and a true believer is paramount.
The nominal Christian – when we ask them if they are a Christian they say things like:
- “I grew up Baptist.”
- “I go to church on Sundays.”
- “I believe in God and Jesus.”
But wait – that sounds like a Believer!
You’re right – a believer would connect with those same sentiments. But when a believer is asked if they are Christian they reply with:
- “I value my relationship with the Lord.”
- “I surrender to God in exchange for self.”
- “I wrestle with my sins and am blessed for the mercy of our savior.”
Nominal Christians know the right things to “do”, maybe even to “say”. But nominal Christians don’t know what it means to have true heart posture and relationship with the Lord.
Dating – and marrying – a nominal Christian can be detrimental.
Research shows that nominal Christian husbands (even more than secularists!)
- Spend the least amount of time with their children
- Have the highest divorce rates
- Have the highest rates of domestic abuse
That’s scary when you think about it – that someone claiming to be a Christian would be the antithesis of Believer husbands who research shows have:
- The highest happiness rates
- The lowest instances of divorce
- The lowest incidences of abuse
- Spending 3.5x times more time with their children
So why the discrepancy?
The most obvious reason is their lack of submission and obedience to the Lord. The lack of intentional relationship with Christ. Without a true connection to our creator, a nominal Christian is only rooted in legalistic rules and concepts.
And topping the list of warped understanding? The concept of head of household and the submissive wife.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24
Misunderstanding of this verse lies in the definition of submit. The Greek word used in this passage of Ephesans is hupotasso – English translation “submit”. However, the word in Greek is defined as the demonstration of trust and obedience while humbly serving in mind and action. If we look at the English definition of submit – most of us stop at the “yielding to authority”. Rarely do we look at the English definition alternative of “presenting knowledge for consideration.”
When we compares the multiple English definitions of submit to the Greek word used in scripture we find that the submission of a wife means to:
- Respect our husband and his decisions
- Follow where husband leads
- Share burdens/thoughts/fears with husband
- Offer our best insight and information for consideration
- Hold our husband accountable
This is so different from the picture of 1950s housewife submission that so many have emblazoned in their mind. Specifically these nominal Christians.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
Further distorted is the idea of the man as head of the household. If our conceptualization of submission is that of our wife doing any and everything that we tell them to – our conceptualization of “leading” the home would be rooted in being “in charge” at all times. It would mean that when the woman steps out of line, she should be held accountable. So many nominal Christians that adhere to this thought pattern use their definitions of submission and head of household to religiously justify their abuse, cheating, or poor behavior.
Scripturally however, headship does not mean being a dictator who is always right – it means:
- You go first before your family
- You initiate
- You act in a way that is worthy of emulating
- Authority and responsibility of the common good of the family
- Lead with ministry and family mission in mind
- Bear the family burdens
Having the knowledge of the heart difference between a believer and nominal Christian is paramount to your dating endeavors. Knowing how to weed through the men who claim to share the faith and those that are in relationship with the Lord will change the trajectory of your relationship.
And remember: Ephesians says for wives to submit to their husbands not for girlfriends to submit to their boyfriends.
Once you have swiped right on the cute Christian boy – keep these concepts handy. Use them to discern and identify if this person is the right person for you to date intentionally.
If you are weeding through the men and need help in the process of intentionally dating, turn to turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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‘Tis The Season: Christmas Activities for Family Fun Around CLT
By Meghan Ray
The weather is chilling. Dreams for a white Christmas are in the air. Trees are going up and lights are being strung. 50% off is music to the ears.
There is also a promise of our savior being born.
Research shows that the Christmas season can be one of the most stressful due to the expectations of hosting, pressure for perfect gift buying, family tension, and the overall unrealistic view of perfection that commercialization has had on all of us. Therefore there is no better time than the present to remember the reason for the season and invest in spending time with the ones you love.
“For a child has been born for us; a son has been given to us. And the dominion will be on his shoulder, and his name is called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace.” Isaiah 9:6
We have compiled a list of Christmas activities going on around Charlotte. Our hope for you is that you forget about the looming expectations and possible stress. Instead focus on rejoicing in the opportunity to share time with the ones you love in celebration of the gift of family the Lord has provided.
Christmas Shows Coming to Town
- Nutcracker by the Charlotte Ballet
- When: Dec. 6-22
- Where: Belk Theatre
- Tickets: https://charlotteballet.org/nutcracker-2024/
- The Best Christmas Pageant Ever: A Musical
- When: Nov. 22- Dec. 22
- Where: Children’s Theatre of Charlotte
- Tickets: https://ctcharlotte.org/Online/default.asp
- Holiday Pops by Charlotte Symphony
- When: Dec. 7
- Where: Knight Theatre
- Tickets: https://www.charlottesymphony.org/events/5CBCC95D-B8F5-4257-9CB2-36D8DDB21720
- Twas the Night Before… By Cirque de Soleil
- When: Dec. 20 – Jan. 4
- Where: Ovens Auditorium
- Tickets: https://www.boplex.com/events/twas-the-night-before-by-cirque-du-soleil
Winter Wonderland Fun
- Polar Express Train Ride
- When: Dec. 1, 6-8, 12-23
- Where: North Carolina Transportation Museum
- Tickets: https://www.nctransportationmuseum.org/the-polar-express-train-ride/
- Winterfest
- When: Select nights between Nov. 15 and Jan. 4
- Where: Carowinds
- Tickets: https://www.carowinds.com/events/winterfest
- Camp North Pole
- When: Nov. 22 – Jan. 5
- Where: Ford Factory at Camp North End
- Tickets: https://camp.nc/iceskating/
- Skating at the White Water Center
- When: Dec. 2 – 31
- Where: White Water Center
- Tickets: https://center.whitewater.org/activity/ice-skating/
- Christmas at the Library
- When: Dec. 2 – 23
- Where: Billy Graham Center
- Tickets: https://billygrahamlibrary.org/christmas-at-the-library/
Twinkling Holiday Lights
- Charlotte Speedway
- When: Nov. 22 – Jan. 5
- Where: Charlotte Motor Speedway
- Tickets: https://www.charlottemotorspeedway.com/events/speedway-christmas/
- Light the Knights
- When: Nov. 27 – Jan. 3
- Where: Knights Stadium
- Tickets: https://www.milb.com/charlotte-knights/ballpark/christmas
- Holidays at the Garden
- When: Nov. 29 – Dec. 29
- Where: Stowe Botanical Gardens
- Tickets: https://dsbg.org/visit/holidays-at-the-garden/
- Carolina Light Spectacular
- When: Dec. 5 – 29
- Where: Ballantyne Backyard
- Tickets: https://ncholidaylights.com/
If you or family are dealing with relational difficulties this Holiday Season and need help navigating unknown waters, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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God of Comfort: Being Anchored in Christ When We are Suffering
Hurricane Helene: devastates Western Carolina and Tennessee with hundred dead and even more missing. Entire cities wiped clean. People now homeless and desperate for supplies.
Shipping Union Strike: For the first time in over 50 years, the shipping union is on strike due to unfair wages. Supplies along the eastern seaboard to be at an all time low as strike continues.
In the last 7 days, there has been a valley of immense struggle, loss, and devastation around us. As we look to the days ahead, there are a lot of unknowns for many Americans. It is in times like these that it is so easy to ask “Why do you allow this God?” “What did we do to deserve this level of struggle?”
The concept of why? Is one that is explored frequently in the bible. The book of Job gives us the closest “answer”. Suffering is part of our experience. Instead of asking what we did wrong to deserve something, or blaming God for suffering, we are called to see God show up on the journey of suffering with us and deliver us on the other side. Christ is our redeemer whose ultimate position is to extend us grace and mercy. Through deliverance of all affliction, we can find the comfort of being anchored in Christ. Suffering may be a part of His plan but until it is well, it is not over. God has a plan to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). This is the ultimate gift of eternal life.
Being anchored in Christ merely means that we are trusting in Him. We are allowing His presence to calm our hearts in the chaos around us. And boy have we been in chaos. When we are able to see past the suffering that feels like it has been afflicted upon us, we are able to root ourselves deeply in the knowledge of the comfort of the Lord. It is then that we can take that comfort and comfort others through His eternal, extending love.
2 Corinthians 1:3 says “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort.”
Paul tells us that all comfort amongst struggle comes from God himself. He goes on to say in verse 4 “He comforts us in all our afflictions, so that we are able to comfort those who are in any kind of affliction.” Jesus experienced the ultimate suffering for all of us, alone on the cross. He did this so that God’s comfort could be ours for eternity to have and to share.
The headlines of chaos are swarming (and with the election looming its bound to expand). In this time, remember that our hearts anchored in Christ allows us to feel peace and provide for others. If you are currently walking in a season of suffering, afflicted by the chaotic world, remember that He remains. He is your “perfect peace that leads to a steadfast heart” (Isaiah 26:3). If you are currently adjacent to the suffering of our country, inflicted by the sadness and devastation that has occurred to those around you, remember that you are called. Through ministry we can provide others abundant comfort (in means that you are able) and love.
If you are looking for ways to provide comfort to those experiencing suffering from Hurricane Helene please click here.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the impacts of Hurricane Helene or any other season of suffering, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
TikTok Said I Have Anxiety
The Plague of TikTok Diagnosis on Mental Health
“Welcome to counseling. I can’t wait to get to know you and walk this journey of healing with you!”
“Don’t worry. Tiktok has already told me that I have OCD and likely a personality disorder, so really I just need you to tell me how to fix that.”
TikTok diagnosis. The newest craze and epidemic plaguing teens and young adults nationwide. As TikTok has grown, so too has the niche of psychTok – channels that provide “mental health” diagnoses. Many of these channels claim expertise in the field of psychology or therapy. They list out symptomatology of mental health disorders that are vague enough that vulnerable populations can connect to them. On the surface this cam seem like a helpful tool. In reality it is causing a large subset of our population to believe that they are experiencing serious mental health concerns. In turn they then take those labels on as their identities.
Since COVID, the usage of social media platforms like TikTok and Instagram have risen by 180% amongst 18-25 years olds. In addition, this demographic is also experiencing a large uptick in feelings of isolation and anxiety. Pair this with increasing awareness on the importance of mental health and you have a recipe for the perfect influential target. Social media “influencers” are praying on these individuals by providing them a relief from their loneliness. This comes as a titled diagnosis and a perceived connection to others – the idea that they are “not alone”.
In practice, the idea of bringing connectedness and relief to clients is part of the long term goal of all therapists. However, TikTok diagnosing is taking away a key component – human variation and perspective. When clients come to my office and tell me that TikTok diagnosed them with xyz, the first thing I do is ask them what about that diagnosis they connected with. Most teens and young adults have connections to 2-3 defining components of a disorder. However, they don’t actually “qualify” for a diagnosis. Furthermore, the things that TikTok is taking away is the fact that we are all living a unique human experience. Resources like the DSM-V provide educated and licensed professionals a guideline to help clients work through their own experiences and the behavior that derived from the cognitive impacts of such. Key word: guideline.
While I would love to see this trend disappear completely, the reality of our ever growing virtual world is that this problem isn’t going anywhere. Therefore, it is more important than ever that we become increasingly aware of the limitations on these platforms. Understanding that TikTok and other social media cannot stand in for the highly trained service that therapists provide. Becoming aware of the subliminal, subconscious, and blatant attempts to influence and change the perspective of the vulnerable. Working to use caution when engaging with content. And ultimately, recognizing that no virtual, highly influenced experience can truly stand in for human experience, connection, and knowledge.
If you or someone you know is struggling with the impacts of social media on mental health or inclined to TikTok diagnosing, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Holistic Wellness for Better Mental Health
Incorporating the 6 Dimensions of Wellness into your Mental Health Healing
Counseling is so pivotal to the mental health journey. However, it is not the only thing to consider as we take a 360 look at improving our lives. In recent years, research has narrowed wellness down into 6 distinct categories: emotional, social, physical, occupational/financial, intellectual, and spiritual. Whether you are in the thick of your healing, or just now starting, looking deeper into how each of the 6 dimensions can be improved in your life is essential. Below, we define each of the dimensions as well as provide tangible suggestions on how to take action in incorporating them into your therapeutic endeavor.
Emotional
Emotional wellness is defined by the ability to experience positive feelings and adapt to stressful and hard times with resiliency and grace. This dimension of wellness allows us to be more grateful, content, compassionate, and empathetic to those around us. When hard times arise, people with strong emotional wellness are able to have perspective and address concerns head on. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Practice mindfulness – use an app such as Headspace
- Process your emotions through individual reflection (try this journal) or with a trained professional (like a counselor at Anchored Hope Counseling).
- Engage in more gratitude – share with others when you are thankful for them and how they are positively impacting your daily life.
Social
Social wellness is defined by the ability to engage in healthy relationships that are able to be maintained long term, provide connection and belonging, and are supportive. This dimension of wellness allows us to feel less alone and more engaged with the people around us. When hard times arise, people with strong social wellness have people to lean on for understanding and support. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Take up a hobby to meet new people
- Get involved with a community organization or through a church
- Prioritize your current relationships by allowing time and access while deepening through intimate interactions
Physical
Physical wellness is defined by the ability to recognize the need to take care of your physical body through sleep, nutrition, and exercise. This dimension of wellness allows us to create and maintain strong bodies that are capable of withstanding time and stress. When hard times arise, people with strong physical wellness are able to keep themselves free of ailment and disease or bounce back from ailment quickly. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Find a type of exercise you enjoy
- Eat a more balanced and intuitive diet. Consider listening to a podcast such as Freely Rooted to get new perspectives on holistic and clean eating.
- Be mindful of what you are putting in and on your body. So many products are processed and made with tons of chemicals that can cause so many long term effects
- Take supplements that are natural and boost your body’s ability to do what it was made to do
Occupational/Financial
Occupational/Financial wellness has classically been lumped together as one dimension. They are defined by the ability to create a healthy work life balance that promotes personal satisfaction and financial reward/stability. This dimension of wellness allows us to be more intentional about how we are contributing to society through our work, while maintaining a healthy home life, and making smart and stable monetary choices. When hard times arise, people with strong occupational/financial wellness are able to recognize when a change in work needs to occur, when money needs to be better managed, and are financially prepared to sustain a loss or change of occupation. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Create a budget that allows for saving. A good app is Monarch Money
- Be mindful of work and home life boundaries – agree to leaving home at home and work at work
- Engage in more mindful learning about investing and long term planning – consider the podcast Faith Driven Investor
Intellectual
Intellectual wellness is defined by the interest and engagement in intellectual curiosity, creativity, and growth. This dimension of wellness allows us to be lifelong learners that are dedicated to engaging in the content that interests us and sharing it as appropriate. When hard times arise, people with strong intellectual wellness are able to have perspective and share research based information that allows them to develop their opinions and thought patterns. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Read – find a topic that interests you and engage through books. If you aren’t sure where to start, websites like Goodreads have lists of books in over 1,000 categories with ratings and reviews
- When you hear information or opinions of others, do your own research before jumping to conclusions or believing it as truth
- Learn a new skill that you have been wanting to learn – bonus if you can turn it into a side hustle
Spiritual
Spiritual wellness is defined by having a purpose or sense of meaning in life that is defined by your morals, values, and ethics. For many people, spiritual wellness has a religious component, but it does not have to. This dimension of wellness allows us to be more grounded in what we believe and make sure our actions align with our beliefs. When hard times arise, people with strong spiritual wellness are able to lean on their faith and understanding of their perspective of the world. If this is an area of growth for you, some suggestions for improvement include:
- Prayer
- Practice forgiveness – people who are able to forgive are more likely to feel connected to their core beliefs and the grace that life provides
- If able, travel to places different than where you come from. Engaging with other cultures helps you be grounded in what you believe while also broadening closed off beliefs and through patterns.
Take a look at this resource where you can assess your current life balance among the 6 dimensions so that you can adequately address the areas needed for long term growth and development.
If you are ready to work towards starting your wellness journey or looking to bring new growth to your already thriving work towards growth, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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The 3 Biblical Reasons for Divorce
As a Christian, when we walk down the aisle on our wedding day, we are committing to a lifetime with our spouse. The bible tells us in Mark 10 that when we marry “two become one flesh”, that in the eyes of God we have been joined together. When we consider our our marriages, none of us consider the idea of divorce. Quite frankly, most of us don’t even see it as an option.
As a Christian counselor who works with couples who are struggling in their marriages, the most frequent thing I hear is “I can’t get divorced because I am a Christian and I made a promise to God.” While this sentiment is true for most cases, what many people don’t know, is that God provides in scripture 3 reasons for biblical divorce. When I share this with clients, many have no idea, or are resistant to the idea because for the majority of their life they have been told that divorce is not an option.
While I never suggest divorce as an immediate response to difficult times, I think it is imperative for Christians to know when divorce is an option. At the root of this mentality is the notion that marriage is a way of honoring and worshipping God. If we are not carrying out our marriages in the way He deems appropriate, we are dishonoring Him just as much by staying as we are by possibly leaving. So what are the reasons that God provides anyway?
Reason 1: Abandonment
“But if a husband or wife who isn’t a believer insists on leaving, let them go. In such cases, the believing husband or wife, is no longer bound to the other.” 1 Corinthians 7:15A
In this passage, we are provided that we are not bound as Believers in remaining married to a non-believing spouse. The biggest thing to note here is what constitutes a believer. Just because your spouse attends church, may read their bible or say their prayers, does not mean that they are faithfully Believing or engaging in a relationship with our Lord. Following the works and rituals does not guarantee a relationship and belief. Many wives tell me that their husband’s are not spiritually leading or that their husbands just “check the boxes” of what they are “supposed” to do. When this is the case, abandonment may be considered as a reason for divorce.
Reason 2: Adultery
“ I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” Matthew 19:7-9
This reason for divorce is the most widely known and discussed in the modern church community. While original language of scripture doesn’t translate to “adultery”, the notion is that sexual immorality is grounds for divorce. The most confusing part of this scripture is that if a divorce occurs, and one remarries, they are committing “adultery”. However, this is only the case of they divorce for non-biblical reasons (as discussed in this blog).
Reason 3: Abuse
Exodus 21:10; Deuteronomy 21:11 (and many more)
This final reason for divorce is probably the most convoluted. There is no direct statement in scripture that says “divorce is ok if someone is abusing you emotionally or physically”. However, many places in the bible discuss how abuse is displeasing to the meaning of marriage and are dishonoring of the marriage bond. When you think about abuse as reason for divorce, consider reconciliation deeply – for God can heal us of sins. However, when abuse is chronic, unchanging, and damaging to mental and physical safety, divorce is permittable. The spouse is not living a Christian life and submitting to a biblical marriage which qualifies them as a non-believer.
Remember that the first step if experiencing marriage conflict should be to seek help in the form of counseling. This will help redirect your marriage back on God. If you are experiencing a biblical reason for divorce, it may be worth considering if you are honoring God? If your marriage is struggling or if divorce for biblical reasons is necessary seek a Christian therapist near you. Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Spring Cleaning and Mental Health
Decluttering your mind, body and soul
Flowers are popping back up. The weather is getting warmer. Birds are chirping and returning from their winter migration. Spring is notorious for fresh starts and beginning new. In the cycle of seasons, the cycle of life is reflected. After periods of decay, death, and ends, a season of rebirth, renewal, and rejuvenation takes hold. For many people, this means attacking their closets, cupboards, and garages for the age old spring cleaning. But spring cleaning doesn’t have to just be about cleaning out your spaces – it can also mean cleaning out your mind, focusing on your health, and washing away the sins of your soul.
Renewing your Mind
- Take some time to reflect on your negative thoughts and the attached behaviors. Consider how you can let these negativities go and start anew. Possibly write each one down and toss them in the fire. Alternatively, try journaling about them and reflecting on what goals you want to achieve.
- Straighten up your priorities. Take inventory of all the things you are responsible for and engage with on a daily basis. Which of these things can you let go of? Which of these things can you do less of? What things actually matter? Putting your priorities in order and honoring what matters most to you will allow you to let some things go that don’t serve you.
Refocusing your Body
- Create a self-care routine. It takes 30 days to make a habit, and research suggests we should only try to build 1 or 2 habits at a time. Physical self care could be introducing a new intuitive eating and nutrition plan, exercising more, or getting regular sleep.
- Movement is so important to getting back to equilibrium. Movement can be as big as regular high intensity exercise or as simple as a stroll in your neighborhood. Bonus points if you move outside in the sunshine!
Rejuvenating your Soul
- Find a new (or reintroduce) intentional practice with God. It is so easy to let go of our relationship building and intentionality with the Lord as we go through everyday life. Try 15 minutes of prayer, a new devotional, or 30 minutes of reading your bible. Your soul will thank you for it.
- Reconnect with people through gratitude and appreciation. When we find things we are thankful for in our relationships and share them with those loved ones, we can provide ourselves with our own dopamine hit – which means more happy vibes!
If you are ready to work towards your own personal spring cleaning – looking to bring new growth to your mind, body, and soul, turn to a therapist near you at Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Discovering Healing at the Root
A reflection on why we should do the hard work to heal
By Meghan Ray, March 13 2024
Instant Gratification
When we look at today’s society, we see an influx in taking the easy way out. We are living in the generation of “right now” with instantaneous access to everything. You can google the name of that one guy in that one movie in a matter of seconds. I can have anything from books, clothing, groceries, and a Dunkin latte delivered in a matter of minutes. You no longer wait a week for the next episode of your favorite show to drop. Rather you binge an entire series in a matter of a few days. I can even “search find” a phrase of the bible in our ever handy bible apps instead of searching through the text firsthand. Instant gratification, contentment, happiness and knowledge. Everything happens right now and when I want. The time of waiting, working, and devoting time and energy, no longer defines our society.
Application to Therapy
As a therapist, I see this in no better example than in the demand for instantaneous “healing” from our traumas, anxieties, depression, stressors – whatever is plaguing our mental health. We are all looking for a magical phrase or tactic that will change our lives and our emotions overnight. What’s difficult in working with a “right now” society is that healing is not instantaneous. Healing is hard, long, time consuming, and frustrating. It is only when we give it that time and hard work, that we actually get to the root of our problems and heal in a long term substantial way.
The Problem in Mental Health?
One of the biggest issues, to me, in the mentality of wanting right now healing, is the immediate turn to medication. While medication has a time and place in some situations, the chronic referral to medicate to address mental health is on the rise. We are living in the most medicated society of any other developed nation. Why? Because when I have a pill I can take each morning to “fix” my emotions and feelings, then I don’t have to do all the leg work therapy entails. I am “instantaneously” healed. Let me emphasize that there is nothing wrong with medication – it is a very useful tool to help regulate brain chemistry so that clients can be stable enough to do the leg work of therapy. However, when we are only pushing for medication and not therapy we are doing a disservice to our clients and their long term growth.
Turn from Shortcuts
It is in my nature as a therapist to turn my nose down to shortcuts in healing. Shortcuts don’t help us find the things that are plaguing our personal and generational problems. They don’t help us find coping skills and strategies to address these problems long term. Shortcuts don’t help us face the things that are difficult for us and make us grow within that uncomfortably. So whether you have been dealing with mental health issues for years or it something that has just come on to your radar, ask yourself – will instant gratification get me to long term happiness? Will taking the shortcut help me become and sustain the person I want to be?
If you or someone you know has gotten to the point that you are ready to heal from the root and promote a lifetime of sustained stability, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Mental Health Reads For All The Book Lovers
A List of Fiction, Non-Fiction and Memoir Books About Mental Health
January 19, 2024 by Meghan Ray
As the weather gets colder and the winter blues kick in, it’s the perfect time of year to curl up on the couch with a blanket and great book. Reading is proven to lower stress levels, build empathy and resilience, increase perspective taking, improve mental health and broaden emotional intelligence. Below is a recommended reading list that covers non fiction self help, fiction novels with intuitive mental health representation, and memoirs written by authors who have struggled with an array of mental health disorders either themselves or within their family of origin. It is my hope that as you read any of these titles below, you gain an appreciation for mental health topics while also working on your own mental health through the inherent process of reading.
Non-Fiction/Self Help
Find Your People: Finding Deep Community in a Lonely World – Jennie Allen
- Christian author, Jennie Allen, explores the inherently lonely world we live in and discusses her vulnerable journey to finding community in a new town. She explores the type of christian relationships each woman should find in her life in order to enhance their lives and find the full wonder of christian community.
Good Enough: 40ish Devotionals for a Life of Imperfection – Kate Bowler
- Kate Bowler offers faith explorations on how we can make sense of life. This is a great book for when you want to start living your best life. Good Enough gives permission for all those who need to hear that there are some things you can fix—and some things you can’t.
- EXTRA: If you are interested in meeting this author she will be in Greensboro, NC on January 24th and Charlotte, NC on January 29th!
Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World – Bob Goff
- Christian author Bob Goff tells his own story where each day turns into a hilarious, whimsical, meaningful chance that makes faith simple and real. Bob draws on his own life story to inspire us all to be more secretly incredible.
Out of the Cave: Stepping into the Light when Depression Darkens What You See – Chris Hodges
- Pastor Chris Hodges uses Elijah’s life to show us that everyone is susceptible to depression. Even when we’re walking closely with God, we can still stumble and get lost in the wilderness of tangled emotions. Out of the Cave helps us remove the stigma of depression and realize we’re not alone.
You’re Going to Be OK: 16 Lessons on Healing after Trauma – Madeline Popelka
- Madeline Popelka is a trauma survivor who knows first-hand how some survivors can feel like they’ve lost themselves to trauma. It might even seem impossible to find the upside of a devastating experience. After Madeline was diagnosed with PTSD and began to heal, she felt a need to create a space where other trauma survivors wouldn’t feel so isolated.
Fiction w/ Mental Health Representation
Please note that each of these books contains very heavy and possibly triggering content. Please note the content topics and proceed reading with caution and sensitivity.
The Woman in the Window – AJ Finn (Agoraphobia/Murder Thriller)
- Anna Fox lives alone, a recluse in her New York City home, unable to venture outside. But when Anna, gazing out her window one night, sees something she shouldn’t, her world begins to crumble. What is real? What is imagined? Who is in danger? Who is in control? In this diabolically gripping thriller, no one—and nothing—is what it seems.
All the Ugly and Wonderful Things – Bryn Greenwood (Extreme Childhood Trauma/Inappropriate Child-Adult Relationships)
- A beautiful and provocative love story between two unlikely people and the hard-won relationship that elevates them above the meth lab backdrop of their lives. As the daughter of a drug dealer, Wavy knows not to trust people, not even her own parents. Struggling to raise her little brother, Donal, eight-year-old Wavy is the only responsible adult around. Obsessed with the constellations, she finds peace in the starry night sky, until one night her stargazing causes an accident. After witnessing his motorcycle wreck, she forms an unusual friendship with one of her father’s thugs, Kellen, a tattooed ex-con with a heart of gold.
All the Bright Places – Jennifer Niven (Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Survivors Guilt)
- Theodore Finch is fascinated by death, and he constantly thinks of ways he might kill himself. But each time, something good, no matter how small, stops him. Violet Markey lives for the future, counting the days until graduation, when she can escape her Indiana town. When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school, it’s unclear who saves whom.
The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath (Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Bipolar II)
- The Bell Jar chronicles the crack-up of Esther Greenwood who is slowly going under—maybe for the last time. Sylvia Plath masterfully draws the reader into Esther’s breakdown with such intensity that Esther’s insanity becomes completely real and even rational.
Its Kind of a Funny Story – Ned Vizzini (Psychiatric Ward/Depression/Suicidal Ideation)
- Ambitious New York City teenager Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life – which means getting into the right high school to get into the right job. But once Craig aces his way into Manhattan’s Executive Pre-Professional High School, the pressure becomes unbearable. He stops eating and sleeping until, one night, he nearly kills himself.
Memoirs
Please note that each of these books contains very heavy and possibly triggering content. Please note the content topics and proceed reading with caution and sensitivity.
What my Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma – Stephanie Foo (Abandonment/Complex PTSD/Generational Trauma)
- In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone – Lori Gottlieb (Depression/OCD/Anxiety/Suicidal Ideation)
- One day, Lori Gottlieb is a therapist who helps patients in her Los Angeles practice. The next, a crisis causes her world to come crashing down. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is revolutionary in its candor, offering a deeply personal yet universal tour of our hearts and minds and providing the rarest of gifts: a boldly revealing portrait of what it means to be human, and a disarmingly funny and illuminating account of our own mysterious lives and our power to transform them.
While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in the Era of Silence – Meg Kissinger (Anxiety/Depression/Mania/Bipolar)
- While You Were Out begins as the personal story of one family’s struggles then opens outward, as Kissinger details how childhood tragedy catalyzed a journalism career focused on exposing our country’s flawed mental health care. Combining the intimacy of memoir with the rigor of investigative reporting, the book explores the consequences of shame, the havoc of botched public policy, and the hope offered by new treatment strategies.
Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life – Christie Tate (Suicidal Ideation/Eating Disorder/Sexual Trauma)
- Group is a deliciously addictive read, and with Christie as our guide—skeptical of her own capacity for connection and intimacy, but hopeful in spite of herself—we are given a front row seat to the daring, exhilarating, painful, and hilarious journey that is group therapy—an under-explored process that breaks you down, and then reassembles you so that all the pieces finally fit.
The Glass Castle – Jeannette Walls (Bipolar/Poverty/Neglect/Childhood Trauma)
- A remarkable memoir of resilience and redemption, and a revelatory look into a family at once deeply dysfunctional and uniquely vibrant. When sober, Jeannette’s brilliant father captured his children’s imagination. But when he drank, he was dishonest and destructive. Her mother was a free spirit who abhorred the idea of domesticity and didn’t want the responsibility of raising a family. The Walls children learned to take care of themselves. They fed, clothed, and protected one another, and eventually found their way to New York. Their parents followed them, choosing to be homeless even as their children prospered.
Looking to grow in your own mental health journey? Need someone to talk to about topics similar to those covered in any of these books? If so, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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