“We Feel Like Roommates!”: Rebuilding Intimacy in Your Marriage
Life is full of adventure, fun, memories, and laughter when we first start dating our spouses. We spend countless hours getting to know the other person in an effort to establish a foundation for the future. A couple months/years of this intentional time together and we decide to settle down.
A man on a knee. A popped question. A ring on the second finger from the right.
A walk down the aisle. An exchanging of vows. A promise of a lifetime of love.
And then some wake up 2 – 5 – 7 – 12 years later feeling lost and disconnected.
A loss of intimacy over the years can be normal if a couple doesn’t take a proactive approach to relationship development. It becomes so easy to fall into the busyness, chaos, routine of everyday life. Of raising children. Working jobs. Of taking care of the house. Fulfilling the demands of daily life.
But when we wake up and all the sudden we are feeling like roommates with our spouse – we are really falling victim to making daily demands our idol and the distraction of Satan. We are no longer serving the covenant of marriage through Christ.
It is usually at this point that couples come knocking on my door.
And unfortunately it is usually the same complaints
- We need better communication
- We fight all the time
- Partner B emotionally cheated on Partner A
- Partner A feels like Partner B does nothing to contribute around the house
- Partner B never wants to have sex anymore
- We just feel so disconnected
“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Let’s first talk about what leads to this breakdown of intimacy.
As seen from the list of complaints shared above there are a lot of things that can cause us to walk away from that love and connection we had on our wedding day. While there are many more personal and unique experiences that can be brought forward, below are some of the more common.
- Communication
When in conflict or when discussing hard conversations, misunderstanding and failure to gain perspective on your spouse’s opinion can lead to breakdown. Emotional distance grows when partners feel unheard or misunderstood in their feelings and observations.
- Time Management
Busyness is the thief of joy. When we do not prioritize our marriage as the second most important thing in our lives we lose each other to distraction and excuse.
- Conflicting Language
In the whirlwind of the dating phase, we tend to compromise our needs and wants. When the regularity of life sets in, those needs and wants return. Because our spouses got to know us when we weren’t expressing those needs or when they were more willing to step out of their own character and do things they normally wouldn’t, we end up feeling starved.
- Resentment
When we do not forgive our partners for the things that they do, resentment builds. We become jaded when they do not help us appropriately around the house or when they do that thing that we hate. We allow the negative feelings to seep in and overtake the love that we have for them.
Now let’s talk about how we rebuild.
First we have to start with knowing what practices combat the common breakdowns in intimacy.
- Communication
Set aside time for personal and meaningful conversation when emotions are not high. Talk about your feelings, fears, dreams, and thoughts. Listen to only understand and not to combat.
- Time Management
Make date nights important. Couples should be dating each other every 7-10 days. And dates DO NOT have to cost money. Sitting on the porch, sipping a glass of wine, and sharing quality time is just as beneficial as a night out on the town.
- Conflicting Language
Talk about your needs and wants with your partner. Explain what language you speak and come to a collaborative space where you both agree to speak a language in the middle that is sustainable. Explore love languages, conflict styles, and attachment styles to help articulate what some of those needs may be. Break down needs into daily needs (ex. More affection in the form of hugs, help with chores), monthly needs (ex. Date nights, more emotional conversations), omnipresent needs (ex. Transparency)
- Resentment
Share your perspective and hurt with your partner – and not when you are emotional. When you have had time to process your feelings and why certain things irritate you or hurt you – share them. We cannot truly let go and move forward without processing and sharing with our partners.
Once we start focusing on counteracting our breakdown, we then have to focus on rebuilding the individual areas of intimacy. To do so we have to understand the multiple types of intimacy that make a marriage.
- Recreational: the quality time you spend with your spouse to include hobbies and shared activities
“Enjoy life with your wife, whom you love, all the days of this meaningless life that God has given you under the sun” Ecclesiastes 9:9
- Physical: all forms of physical closeness to include sex
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love” Proverbs 5:18-19
- Intellectual: sharing ponderings and wondering of the mind
- Spiritual: cultivating practices and sharing thoughts/understandings around shared faith
“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
- Emotional: sharing how you feel about situations and being vulnerable in your feelings
“Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way” 1 Peter 3:7
Some examples to rebuild are:
- Recreational
- Identify common hobbies and interests and go experiencing them together
- Try new places and experiences together – force yourselves to rely on each other
- Make date nights a regular occurrence (remember 7-10 days on average is the best practice)
- Travel together (weekend trips every 3-4 months and 7 day vacations every 1-2 years is best practice)
- Physical
- Show affection in public and private spaces
- Cuddle
- Talk about your needs and desires in the bedroom
- Learn your spouse and what pleases them
- Prioritize sex amongst the chaos
- Intellectual
- Discuss faith based topics
- Debate (civilly) over unshared values/beliefs
- Discuss opinions on things happening in the world around you
- Spiritual
- Apply biblical wisdom in your marriage
- Pray together
- Worship
- Engage in bible study together
- Emotional
- Share your feelings
- Be vulnerable
- Help your partner understand your perspective or things from your past that make you react a certain way
- Listen with intention when your spouse shares with you
With all of this in mind, you can rest assured in the faith that your marriage can feel like a deep connection again. There is faith that all the things that break us down over the years can be rebuilt again.
And if you are newly married or dating – or even if you are on the other side of rebuilding intimacy – use this information to be more proactive about your marriage. Get ahead of the worldly things that tear us down and root your marriage for eternity.
If you are struggling with intimacy in your marriage, turn to turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Swiping Left: How to Weed Out the Nominal Christians
Let me be honest from the beginning – you can’t really weed out the Nominal Christians by their Hinge bio alone.
These apps are inherently meant to connect us with someone based off of initial attraction and vaguely undefined values and intentions. You see a handsome man on Bumble who states to be a conservative, Christian, day trader. These descriptors don’t actually mean he is politically conservative, a true believer, or an expert crypto buyer. It just means that when scanning a list of pre-selected options, they seemed to be the best option in conveying how he perceives himself or what his “dream” women would want in a man.
“Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean.” Matthew 23:27
The ability to weed through the masses for the type of man you are looking for starts and ends with understanding the difference in heart posture. We all know how to identify a secularist – but understanding the difference between a nominal (in name) Christian and a true believer is paramount.
The nominal Christian – when we ask them if they are a Christian they say things like:
- “I grew up Baptist.”
- “I go to church on Sundays.”
- “I believe in God and Jesus.”
But wait – that sounds like a Believer!
You’re right – a believer would connect with those same sentiments. But when a believer is asked if they are Christian they reply with:
- “I value my relationship with the Lord.”
- “I surrender to God in exchange for self.”
- “I wrestle with my sins and am blessed for the mercy of our savior.”
Nominal Christians know the right things to “do”, maybe even to “say”. But nominal Christians don’t know what it means to have true heart posture and relationship with the Lord.
Dating – and marrying – a nominal Christian can be detrimental.
Research shows that nominal Christian husbands (even more than secularists!)
- Spend the least amount of time with their children
- Have the highest divorce rates
- Have the highest rates of domestic abuse
That’s scary when you think about it – that someone claiming to be a Christian would be the antithesis of Believer husbands who research shows have:
- The highest happiness rates
- The lowest instances of divorce
- The lowest incidences of abuse
- Spending 3.5x times more time with their children
So why the discrepancy?
The most obvious reason is their lack of submission and obedience to the Lord. The lack of intentional relationship with Christ. Without a true connection to our creator, a nominal Christian is only rooted in legalistic rules and concepts.
And topping the list of warped understanding? The concept of head of household and the submissive wife.
“Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.” Ephesians 5:22-24
Misunderstanding of this verse lies in the definition of submit. The Greek word used in this passage of Ephesans is hupotasso – English translation “submit”. However, the word in Greek is defined as the demonstration of trust and obedience while humbly serving in mind and action. If we look at the English definition of submit – most of us stop at the “yielding to authority”. Rarely do we look at the English definition alternative of “presenting knowledge for consideration.”
When we compares the multiple English definitions of submit to the Greek word used in scripture we find that the submission of a wife means to:
- Respect our husband and his decisions
- Follow where husband leads
- Share burdens/thoughts/fears with husband
- Offer our best insight and information for consideration
- Hold our husband accountable
This is so different from the picture of 1950s housewife submission that so many have emblazoned in their mind. Specifically these nominal Christians.
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” Ephesians 5:25-27
Further distorted is the idea of the man as head of the household. If our conceptualization of submission is that of our wife doing any and everything that we tell them to – our conceptualization of “leading” the home would be rooted in being “in charge” at all times. It would mean that when the woman steps out of line, she should be held accountable. So many nominal Christians that adhere to this thought pattern use their definitions of submission and head of household to religiously justify their abuse, cheating, or poor behavior.
Scripturally however, headship does not mean being a dictator who is always right – it means:
- You go first before your family
- You initiate
- You act in a way that is worthy of emulating
- Authority and responsibility of the common good of the family
- Lead with ministry and family mission in mind
- Bear the family burdens
Having the knowledge of the heart difference between a believer and nominal Christian is paramount to your dating endeavors. Knowing how to weed through the men who claim to share the faith and those that are in relationship with the Lord will change the trajectory of your relationship.
And remember: Ephesians says for wives to submit to their husbands not for girlfriends to submit to their boyfriends.
Once you have swiped right on the cute Christian boy – keep these concepts handy. Use them to discern and identify if this person is the right person for you to date intentionally.
If you are weeding through the men and need help in the process of intentionally dating, turn to turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Join Our Team!
We are hiring NC Licensed Therapists/Counselors
Join our team and be a part of what the Lord is doing at Anchored Hope Counseling! Anchored Hope Counseling, PLLC is expanding our practice located in Kannapolis, NC. Serving individuals ( of all ages), couples, and families, we are seeking a part-time or full-time contractor therapist (for virtual and in-person) with experience and specialty in any of the following areas: children, adolescents, adults, couples, or trauma. This position offers great flexibility of hours!
Join us for a work experience that is life-giving as you serve alongside a professional staff who are passionate about Jesus, people, and Christian mental health care. At Anchored Hope Counseling, we desire our work to have eternal significance and influence.
Specific responsibilities include:
- Provide expert care to each client showing compassion in all encounters.
- Respond to all potential and existing clients promptly; conduct complimentary 15-minute phone consultations to determine client needs.
- Conduct thorough intake assessment, develop and update treatment plans. · Document case sessions and other communications promptly in the EHR system
- Maintain professional conduct within the community and on social media.
- Maintain ethical standards defined by the American Counseling Association and the American Association of Christian Counselors.
- Maintain licensing in good standing
Qualifications:
- Applicants must be fully or provisionally licensed in the state of North Carolina, and have experience providing counseling to children, teens, couples and individuals.
- Must have desire/experience integrating Christian counseling in alignment with organization values.
- Experience working with children and couples desired but not necessary
- If needed, on-site supervision is provided for LCMHCAs.
Please, send your resume and cover letter to Stevi Reed, LCMHC, QS, NCC at stevi@anchored-hope.com
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Sparking Intimacy for Couples
Date Night Ideas in CLT
February 1, 2024 by Meghan Ray
As Valentine’s Day approaches, there is no better time to go out on a date night. Expert’s say that couples, no matter the stage of their relationship, should date at least every 10-14 days. Take a look at this list of ideas for all budgets to see how you can rekindle the intimacy or spice up the routine!
Low Budget Couples
- Get Outdoors: Pack a lunch or afternoon snack and explore the great outdoors!
- Location: Crowder’s Mountain in Kings Mountain, NC
- Cost: Free!
- Location: UNC Charlotte Botanical Gardens in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: Free!
- See Whose More Competitive: Head on up to Concord and play classic board games with your date! Food and drink is available for purchase at their attached cafe.
- Location: Luck Factory Games in Concord, NC
- Cost: $8-10 per person
- Website: https://luckfactorygames.com/about/3-steps-to-get-your-game-on/
- Take a Swing at Something New: Whether you call it putt putt or mini golf – take a night to see who can stay closest to par at this adults only indoor course.
- Location: Puttary in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $22 per person
- Website: https://www.puttery.com/locations/charlotte/
Medium Budget Couples
- What’s Duck Pin Bowling?!: Take on this spin of classic bowling and see who comes out on top! When you are done check out their variety of board games while you sip one of their self pour brews. Food served onsite.
- Location: Pinhouse in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $20 per hour
- Website: https://pinhouseclt.com/
- Become a Chemist: Spend some quality couples time mixing together your own personal scent while you make your own candles.
- Location: Paddywax in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $45 per person
- Website: https://thecandlebar.co/products/candle-pouring-charlotte
- Show Some Charlotte Spirit: Put on your red and black and head down to a Charlotte Checkers game at Bojangles Coliseum.
- Location: Bojangles Coliseum in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $25-$55 per person
- Dates of Home Games: 2/2, 2/3, 2/17, 2/18, 2/24, & 2/25
- Website: https://charlottecheckers.com/schedule/schedule
- Raffaldini Vineyard Wine Tour: Step into Tuscany for the day when you take a tour and wine tasting at Charlotte’s local winery.
- Location: Raffaldini Vineyard in Ronda, NC
- Cost: $30 per person
- Website: https://www.raffaldini.com/Visit/Information
High End Budget Couples
- Skate and Date: Spend your Valentine’s Day with a little physical activity followed by a 3 course tasting menu. Vegan and Gluten free options available!
- Location: US White Water Center in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $65 per person
- Date of Interest: February 14
- Website: https://center.whitewater.org/dining/skate-and-date/
- Spice Things Up in the Kitchen: Want to learn some new cooking or baking skills? Fling some batter at your love while you whisk up a variety of new recipes!
- Location: Chef Alyssa’s Kitchen in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $75-$85 per person
- Variety of classes offered all month long!
- Website: https://chefalyssaskitchen.com/classes/
- Travel to a Galaxy Far Far Away: For all the Star Trek and Star Wars couples out there this one’s for you! A four course food and spirit tasting menu at one of Charlotte’s most exclusive speakeasy. Tickets only available by reservation Thursday – Sunday.
- Location: Supperland Speakeasy in Charlotte, NC
- Cost: $160
- Dates of Interest: February 1 – March 16
- Website: https://supper.land/supperland-speakeasy/
Experiencing some relationship or marital difficulty? Need someone to help rekindle the flame? If so, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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Mental Health Reads For All The Book Lovers
A List of Fiction, Non-Fiction and Memoir Books About Mental Health
January 19, 2024 by Meghan Ray
As the weather gets colder and the winter blues kick in, it’s the perfect time of year to curl up on the couch with a blanket and great book. Reading is proven to lower stress levels, build empathy and resilience, increase perspective taking, improve mental health and broaden emotional intelligence. Below is a recommended reading list that covers non fiction self help, fiction novels with intuitive mental health representation, and memoirs written by authors who have struggled with an array of mental health disorders either themselves or within their family of origin. It is my hope that as you read any of these titles below, you gain an appreciation for mental health topics while also working on your own mental health through the inherent process of reading.
Non-Fiction/Self Help
Find Your People: Finding Deep Community in a Lonely World – Jennie Allen
- Christian author, Jennie Allen, explores the inherently lonely world we live in and discusses her vulnerable journey to finding community in a new town. She explores the type of christian relationships each woman should find in her life in order to enhance their lives and find the full wonder of christian community.
Good Enough: 40ish Devotionals for a Life of Imperfection – Kate Bowler
- Kate Bowler offers faith explorations on how we can make sense of life. This is a great book for when you want to start living your best life. Good Enough gives permission for all those who need to hear that there are some things you can fix—and some things you can’t.
- EXTRA: If you are interested in meeting this author she will be in Greensboro, NC on January 24th and Charlotte, NC on January 29th!
Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World – Bob Goff
- Christian author Bob Goff tells his own story where each day turns into a hilarious, whimsical, meaningful chance that makes faith simple and real. Bob draws on his own life story to inspire us all to be more secretly incredible.
Out of the Cave: Stepping into the Light when Depression Darkens What You See – Chris Hodges
- Pastor Chris Hodges uses Elijah’s life to show us that everyone is susceptible to depression. Even when we’re walking closely with God, we can still stumble and get lost in the wilderness of tangled emotions. Out of the Cave helps us remove the stigma of depression and realize we’re not alone.
You’re Going to Be OK: 16 Lessons on Healing after Trauma – Madeline Popelka
- Madeline Popelka is a trauma survivor who knows first-hand how some survivors can feel like they’ve lost themselves to trauma. It might even seem impossible to find the upside of a devastating experience. After Madeline was diagnosed with PTSD and began to heal, she felt a need to create a space where other trauma survivors wouldn’t feel so isolated.
Fiction w/ Mental Health Representation
Please note that each of these books contains very heavy and possibly triggering content. Please note the content topics and proceed reading with caution and sensitivity.
The Woman in the Window – AJ Finn (Agoraphobia/Murder Thriller)
- Anna Fox lives alone, a recluse in her New York City home, unable to venture outside. But when Anna, gazing out her window one night, sees something she shouldn’t, her world begins to crumble. What is real? What is imagined? Who is in danger? Who is in control? In this diabolically gripping thriller, no one—and nothing—is what it seems.
All the Ugly and Wonderful Things – Bryn Greenwood (Extreme Childhood Trauma/Inappropriate Child-Adult Relationships)
- A beautiful and provocative love story between two unlikely people and the hard-won relationship that elevates them above the meth lab backdrop of their lives. As the daughter of a drug dealer, Wavy knows not to trust people, not even her own parents. Struggling to raise her little brother, Donal, eight-year-old Wavy is the only responsible adult around. Obsessed with the constellations, she finds peace in the starry night sky, until one night her stargazing causes an accident. After witnessing his motorcycle wreck, she forms an unusual friendship with one of her father’s thugs, Kellen, a tattooed ex-con with a heart of gold.
All the Bright Places – Jennifer Niven (Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Survivors Guilt)
- Theodore Finch is fascinated by death, and he constantly thinks of ways he might kill himself. But each time, something good, no matter how small, stops him. Violet Markey lives for the future, counting the days until graduation, when she can escape her Indiana town. When Finch and Violet meet on the ledge of the bell tower at school, it’s unclear who saves whom.
The Bell Jar – Sylvia Plath (Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Bipolar II)
- The Bell Jar chronicles the crack-up of Esther Greenwood who is slowly going under—maybe for the last time. Sylvia Plath masterfully draws the reader into Esther’s breakdown with such intensity that Esther’s insanity becomes completely real and even rational.
Its Kind of a Funny Story – Ned Vizzini (Psychiatric Ward/Depression/Suicidal Ideation)
- Ambitious New York City teenager Craig Gilner is determined to succeed at life – which means getting into the right high school to get into the right job. But once Craig aces his way into Manhattan’s Executive Pre-Professional High School, the pressure becomes unbearable. He stops eating and sleeping until, one night, he nearly kills himself.
Memoirs
Please note that each of these books contains very heavy and possibly triggering content. Please note the content topics and proceed reading with caution and sensitivity.
What my Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma – Stephanie Foo (Abandonment/Complex PTSD/Generational Trauma)
- In this deeply personal and thoroughly researched account, Foo interviews scientists and psychologists and tries a variety of innovative therapies. She returns to her hometown of San Jose, California, to investigate the effects of immigrant trauma on the community, and she uncovers family secrets in the country of her birth, Malaysia, to learn how trauma can be inherited through generations.
Maybe You Should Talk to Someone – Lori Gottlieb (Depression/OCD/Anxiety/Suicidal Ideation)
- One day, Lori Gottlieb is a therapist who helps patients in her Los Angeles practice. The next, a crisis causes her world to come crashing down. Maybe You Should Talk to Someone is revolutionary in its candor, offering a deeply personal yet universal tour of our hearts and minds and providing the rarest of gifts: a boldly revealing portrait of what it means to be human, and a disarmingly funny and illuminating account of our own mysterious lives and our power to transform them.
While You Were Out: An Intimate Family Portrait of Mental Illness in the Era of Silence – Meg Kissinger (Anxiety/Depression/Mania/Bipolar)
- While You Were Out begins as the personal story of one family’s struggles then opens outward, as Kissinger details how childhood tragedy catalyzed a journalism career focused on exposing our country’s flawed mental health care. Combining the intimacy of memoir with the rigor of investigative reporting, the book explores the consequences of shame, the havoc of botched public policy, and the hope offered by new treatment strategies.
Group: How One Therapist and a Circle of Strangers Saved My Life – Christie Tate (Suicidal Ideation/Eating Disorder/Sexual Trauma)
- Group is a deliciously addictive read, and with Christie as our guide—skeptical of her own capacity for connection and intimacy, but hopeful in spite of herself—we are given a front row seat to the daring, exhilarating, painful, and hilarious journey that is group therapy—an under-explored process that breaks you down, and then reassembles you so that all the pieces finally fit.
The Glass Castle – Jeannette Walls (Bipolar/Poverty/Neglect/Childhood Trauma)
- A remarkable memoir of resilience and redemption, and a revelatory look into a family at once deeply dysfunctional and uniquely vibrant. When sober, Jeannette’s brilliant father captured his children’s imagination. But when he drank, he was dishonest and destructive. Her mother was a free spirit who abhorred the idea of domesticity and didn’t want the responsibility of raising a family. The Walls children learned to take care of themselves. They fed, clothed, and protected one another, and eventually found their way to New York. Their parents followed them, choosing to be homeless even as their children prospered.
Looking to grow in your own mental health journey? Need someone to talk to about topics similar to those covered in any of these books? If so, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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How to Let Go of Your Grudges
There is an old saying, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Often in counseling, I encounter people who are angry and bitter because they are holding onto grudges. Holding a grudge involves replaying a past injustice over and over in your head. If you are holding a grudge, you repeatedly get caught up in the emotions associated with the situation long after it has passed. Unfortunately, grudges keeps you “stuck” in the situation, rehashing the painful experience over and over again. Holding onto grudges weighs you down and keeps you from healing your emotional pain. In order to move on and heal, it is important to let go of your grudges.
The longer you hold a grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. To let go of a grudge, shift your focus off the person who “wronged” you and the story of your suffering. Here are steps you can take to let go of a grudge.
1. Acknowledge the problem and identify your feelings.
First of all, identify what the grudge is and what is causing you to hold onto it. A grudge can form when a problem is not fully confronted or solved. Clarify your feelings on the situation. What is the emotion behind the hurt? Are you angry, sad, ashamed? Then, decide if this is something you will work on yourself, or if you need to contact the person involved.
2. Gain understanding about the person who wronged you to show empathy and compassion.
Secondly, it is helpful to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their point of view and behavior. Understanding the other person does not justify their behavior, or that you were wronged, but it might make it easier to let go of the grudge.
3. Acceptance.
Thirdly, consciously choose to release the grudge – with or without an apology. The other person may never come around, and they might have forgotten about the issue or not even realize how you were affected. Even if you do not receive an apology, the other person might be remorseful. Sometimes people are remorseful but struggle to apologize due to pride or shame.
4. Stop dwelling on it.
Fourthly, once you decide to move on and release the grudge, keep moving forward. Do not spend time thinking about the situation, or repeatedly discuss it with others. If the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject.
5. Consider the positive.
Next, try viewing the situation that caused your grudge as a learning experience. To do this, try answering these questions:
- What have been the benefits of that experiences?
- How can I learn and grow from this experience?
- What amazing thing wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t experienced that?
- How can I be grateful for this situation?
6. Forgive.
Finally, try forgiveness. Forgiveness is the intentional decision to give up the right for vengeance, retribution, or negative thoughts toward the “offender” in order to release resentment, bitterness, anger, and other negative emotions. You recognize your hurt and pain and you make the choice to let it go. This process promotes emotional healing and restoration of inner peace—and it may also allow for full reconciliation. Remember, forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it can just be acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes.
If you want to let go of your grudges, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or click here to schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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How to Rebuild Trust in Your Relationship
After a betrayal in your relationship, it might feel impossible to move on as a couple. You may feel like you may never be able to trust your partner again. However, there is hope. A damaged relationship can heal with time, effort, and the restoration of trust. While it can be difficult to navigate the rough waters of a betrayed relationship, seeking and using techniques from therapy can be extremely helpful. Here are a few ways to rebuild trust in your relationship.
Communicate openly
The first step to rebuilding trust is open communication. Open communication gives you both a chance to understand the other person’s problems and barriers.
Sit down together without any distractions (that means put your phone away) and be real with your spouse, and give them the chance to be real as well. What does that mean? Avoid sounding accusatory and use I-statements. Really listen to your partner and ask open ended questions. Don’t focus the conversation on yourself or your hurts. Ask clarifying questions about their needs, desires, and feelings. Make sure your body language communicates that you’re present and open to what they have to say. Finally, make sure open and honest yourself.
Trust yourself.
Even with more communication, you might be questioning your own instincts after a betrayal. However, learning to trust yourself, your feelings, and your ability to move forward is key to rebuilding your relationship.
It is also important to remember trust issues can cause insecurities about your relationship and yourself. Ultimately, these insecurities can damage your self-esteem over time. Building up your self-esteem takes patience and practice. To combat this, make a list of what you like about yourself or write out positive affirmations to tell yourself daily.
Stop “Checking Up”
Thirdly, reading through text messages or checking their location constantly strips them of the chance to be honest with you. Avoid the temptation of checking their phone or social media for “evidence.”
Spend time together
Even with all of these things, you cannot reconnect unless you spend more time together. Therefore, it is important to do fun activities together – plan a picnic in the park, take a walk, or just stay in and play board games. No matter what it is, it is important to spend one-on-one time together to reconnect. Sometimes, we get caught up in our daily routines that we forget to date and connect with the ones we love. Get out of your rut by changing your routine and starting something new together like a new hobby that you both can do together.
Seek Counseling Together
Finally, couples counseling is an excellent way to express your feelings in a mediated space. During a session, a therapist can give you tools and techniques to use at home to better communicate with one another. Couples counseling can help you work through difficult questions and find common ground.
If you’re looking to overcome trust issues or want to rebuild trust in your relationship, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or click here to schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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