How to Let Go of Your Grudges
There is an old saying, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Often in counseling, I encounter people who are angry and bitter because they are holding onto grudges. Holding a grudge involves replaying a past injustice over and over in your head. If you are holding a grudge, you repeatedly get caught up in the emotions associated with the situation long after it has passed. Unfortunately, grudges keeps you “stuck” in the situation, rehashing the painful experience over and over again. Holding onto grudges weighs you down and keeps you from healing your emotional pain. In order to move on and heal, it is important to let go of your grudges.
The longer you hold a grudge the more difficult it is to forgive and move on. To let go of a grudge, shift your focus off the person who “wronged” you and the story of your suffering. Here are steps you can take to let go of a grudge.
1. Acknowledge the problem and identify your feelings.
First of all, identify what the grudge is and what is causing you to hold onto it. A grudge can form when a problem is not fully confronted or solved. Clarify your feelings on the situation. What is the emotion behind the hurt? Are you angry, sad, ashamed? Then, decide if this is something you will work on yourself, or if you need to contact the person involved.
2. Gain understanding about the person who wronged you to show empathy and compassion.
Secondly, it is helpful to put yourself in the other person’s shoes to understand their point of view and behavior. Understanding the other person does not justify their behavior, or that you were wronged, but it might make it easier to let go of the grudge.
3. Acceptance.
Thirdly, consciously choose to release the grudge – with or without an apology. The other person may never come around, and they might have forgotten about the issue or not even realize how you were affected. Even if you do not receive an apology, the other person might be remorseful. Sometimes people are remorseful but struggle to apologize due to pride or shame.
4. Stop dwelling on it.
Fourthly, once you decide to move on and release the grudge, keep moving forward. Do not spend time thinking about the situation, or repeatedly discuss it with others. If the issue is brought up in conversation, change the subject.
5. Consider the positive.
Next, try viewing the situation that caused your grudge as a learning experience. To do this, try answering these questions:
- What have been the benefits of that experiences?
- How can I learn and grow from this experience?
- What amazing thing wouldn’t have been possible if I hadn’t experienced that?
- How can I be grateful for this situation?
6. Forgive.
Finally, try forgiveness. Forgiveness is the intentional decision to give up the right for vengeance, retribution, or negative thoughts toward the “offender” in order to release resentment, bitterness, anger, and other negative emotions. You recognize your hurt and pain and you make the choice to let it go. This process promotes emotional healing and restoration of inner peace—and it may also allow for full reconciliation. Remember, forgiving the person does not mean forgetting about what happened; it can just be acknowledging differences and accepting that everyone makes mistakes.
If you want to let go of your grudges, turn to Anchored Hope Counseling in Kannapolis, NC. Anchored Hope Counseling provides a wide range of therapy services from couples counseling to personal one-on-one sessions. View a list of our offerings online, or click here to schedule a consultation today. If you liked these tips remember to subscribe to our weekly blog for more news and insights.
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